It's Never Easy
by Mint Pizza Queen
Summary: Even if Remus did say anything, it wouldn't make life any easier. 150 drabbles on different moments in Remus Lupin's life.
1. Grief

_**Author's Note: **__My apologies for this suddenly coming out from nowhere. It hit me the other night when I was watching Law and Order and decided--hey, that'll work. So I have a list of 150 themes of either pure angst or nostalgic fluff ready to be written or posted. Uh--enjoy?_

_**Notes: **__May contain slash, death, torture, and other angst topics later on. Pardon any OOCness. _

Harry Potter © J. K. Rowling

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**It's Never Easy**  
By _Mint Pizza Queen  
_

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**Prompt:** 071 - Grief  
**Word Count: **175 

He knew Dumbledore had sent him here. He knew he sent him to 'lie low', but that didn't change things.

"Sirius is on his way. He's going to be lying low for a while. I hope it's no inconvenience."

"No," Remus let out a barely audible, exhausted sigh. "None at all."

"Good, good, I'll keep in contact with you. Keep safe."

Of course, he would never say anything to Dumbledore. He owed Dumbledore just about everything he had--including his life.

There was a knock at the door.

He would never say that 'yes, it was an inconvenience to have Sirius at his home'.

Remus opened the door and stood face to face with Sirius.

He would never say that having him in his home--just seeing him-- stirred up too many painful memories. The hollowness in his chest would stretch and tear everything inside of him.

Remus slammed the door in his face and slumped to the floor with heaving breaths, close to crying.

Even if he did say anything, it wouldn't make life any easier.


	2. Criminal

**Prompt:** 094 - Criminal  
**Word Count: **183

He often wonders what life would've been like if he had gone to Azkaban instead of Sirius.

For one thing, the Dementors wouldn't get much from him. His joy had dwindled dramatically the moment Sirius said those horrible words.

"Remus is the spy."

He would never do anything to hurt James and Lily. They were his family.

Sirius didn't understand that because he took that for granted.

Even so, if Remus had gone to Azkaban instead, he wonders what Sirius would've done.

He probably wouldn't have spent days mourning and nights grieving. He probably would've hitched a ride to Azkaban daily just to see Remus and sneer at him.

"Doesn't pay to be bad, does it Moony?" He would spit out before he would grab his wand and start waving threats of promised torture and death.

Remus decides he doesn't like the idea very much. Not because being in Azkaban would be Hell, oh no, it would be heaven to him.

It would be worse because he would know the truth sooner and wouldn't have been able to do a thing about it.


	3. Ritual

**Prompt:** 087 - Ritual  
**Word Count: **168

The mornings after were always the worst. The unbearable pain throughout his body that lasted for days was enough to drive anyone insane.

It never seemed to end.

Every month -- every full moon -- he always had to face it. Well, he didn't have to. He could always end it with a cup of silver or a bullet to the chest, but he was too much of a coward to do that.

So he endured month after month of the brutal torture, waking in a trashed room, body torn from the wolf's hungry desires, and everything would be covered in blood.

He'd spend hours cleaning up the room first -- never himself. He'd never use his wand either. Always did it the Muggle way.

He'd hiss in pain whenever the bleach or cleaning solution would splash on one of his open wounds, just a peaceful reminder that yes, he was still alive.

Yet every time, the sting--the pain--it would hurt just a little bit less than before.


	4. Mother

**Prompt:** 076 - Mother  
**Word Count: **383

He questioned her once. The day he got bitten actually. "Do you still love me?"

She smiled. "Of course. I'll never stop loving you."

After his first full moon, during the time in which he laid on a bloody sheet surrounded by gauze strips and ointment, he asked again through pained winces. "Do you still love me?"

She smiled sadly and brushed his hair off his forehead to place a gentle kiss. "Of course I do. I'll never stop loving you."

He asked her again the day she was seeing him off to Hogwarts for the first time. He clung to her sleeve, gaze overlooking faces worriedly. "Do you still love me?"

She knelt before him to envelop him in a hug so tight, so fierce, it was almost as if she wasn't going to release him. "Of course I do. I'm so proud of you."

The day he graduated he met her gaze in the crowd. She was smiling brightly at him with tears streaming down her face. He rushed to her worriedly, but before he could say a word, she wrapped her arms around him. "Of course I love you. I'll never stop loving you."

November of 1981, the two stood before a pair of graves, silent and still. The other people had already left and the evening was already setting in. He turned to her with the question at the tip of his tongue. "Do you still love me?" He asked with a hoarse voice.

She touched his arm and met his eyes. "Of course I do. I'll never stop loving you, no matter what."

A year later, hit with sickness, she lay on her death bed with him grasping her hand. Her breathing growing ragged and shallow, he leant forward and brushed a stray hair away. "Do you still love me?"

She squeezed his hand and smiled. "Of course I do. I'll always love you -- even when I'm gone."

A year later, on the anniversary of her death, he stands before her grave with a small bundle of wildflowers and a small white card. He slowly kneels, laying the flowers down gently. Taking the card, he tucks it in with the stems.

On the card are two simple words that say everything that's on his mind.

"Thank you."


	5. Manhunt

**Prompt:** 030 - Manhunt  
**Word Count: **185

"Black escaped from Azkaban." Severus tossed the Daily Prophet onto Remus's desk and gave an impassive stare. "Ironic that he _escaped_ the same year Dumbledore asked you to work at Hogwarts, wouldn't you agree?"

A knot formed in his stomach as his eyes trailed down to the moving picture of the screaming man that had once been his best friend. "Ironic indeed."

"Of course, _you _wouldn't have any idea how he escaped, do you?"

Remus's gaze flew up to Severus's and found the Potions teacher glaring back at him. "How would I know? I haven't seen him in, what, twelve years? Why would I suddenly want to see him now?"

"Loneliness makes people do crazy things, Lupin." With that Severus pointed to the text surrounding the photograph. "Oh, you might want to read that when you get a chance. Very interesting how the manhunt has been organized." He turned and left, his black cloak billowing behind him.

Slowly, Remus allowed himself to look back at the paper only to find Sirius staring back at him pleadingly.

Nauseated, he grabbed the paper and flipped it over.


	6. Sick

**Prompt:** 092 - Sick  
**Word Count:** 206

From the day he was bitten, his world slowly fell apart.

He remembered the doctors. They always gave him these horrible looks of pure disgust and loathing--something he never could completely understand. His mother would always cover his ears when the fight between them and his parents escalated, but he could always pick up words.

...monster...

...never...normal...

_...kill it._

He remembered watching his dad rant and rave, finally sweeping his arm in a fury before turning to pick him up and stomp out with his mother close behind snarling at anybody that got too close for her taste.

As soon as they reached the safety of their house, he remembered how his dad would take off into the forest to vent and his mother would tend to him by preparing the bathwater for his daily cleanups.

He would always ask the same thing, "What's wrong with me?"

His mom would always smile at him sadly and kiss him on the head replying, "You're sick, honey, and we're trying to find doctors who can make you better."

Every day it was the same routine--doctors, fights, home, questions.

Every day it was the same answer-- "You're sick."

At least it was until the first full moon.


	7. Loophole

**Prompt:** 143 - Loophole  
**Word Count:** 191

"I can't."

"You have to," Peter leveled his gaze with the sandy-haired werewolf and gripped his shoulders none-too-gently. "You've suspected him all along! You have to tell someone--_do_­ something."

Remus looked away with shame. "I just--it's Sirius."

"He is the spy! You know it, and I know it! He'll give them away and they'll die! Do you want that to happen? Do you want Harry to be an orphan?"

The werewolf panicked. "No! Never!"

Peter pulled away and watched him hard before speaking. "Tell you what--I'll talk to James. I'll see if they can change the secret keeper. How about you?"

Remus shook his head. "Heavens no, Sirius--"

"Then what about me?" He leaned forward and stared deeply into Remus's eyes.

Remus thought for a moment before nodding. "Yes, you do it. With me--Sirius will surely do something rash instantly. But with you--he won't really do anything right off. He would never have expected you to be the secret keeper. Besides," he smiled weakly with exhaustion. "I trust you."

Peter smiled back, but with his exhaustion, Remus failed to see the force put behind it.


	8. Fault

**Prompt:** 133 - Fault  
**Word Count:** 318

"Remus! Open this door!"

The werewolf gripped the bar, locking his door tight. "No!"

There was an exasperated cry, followed by pounding that caused the wood to groan with strain. "Damnit, Remus, it's not your fault!"

"It is! I trust _him! _I suspected you!" He felt something moist begin to trail down his face but didn't wipe it away. "I should've known better, b-but I didn't! My f-failure had a cost, Sirius, and it was H-Harry's parents!" His sobbed out the last part of his outburst and slumped to the floor, releasing the bar that clicked. "I--I robbed him of his happiness. Explain how that's not my fault!"

The door splintered as it was literally ripped off its hinges and tossed as a heap onto the kitchen floor. Remus gaped at the mess, but quickly found himself scrambling away from the livid expression on Sirius's face.

"Explain? I'll explain this much: I'm at as much fault here as you. I trusted him, too, and thought of you as the traitor." He dug into his arm and growled. "I never realized Dumbledore was putting your furry problem to good use for the Order. I was so pig-headed!" He then clawed at his shabby hair, suddenly noticing the werewolf remaining motionless on the floor with tears streaking his cheeks. "Oh, come on, Moony. Don't cry; it doesn't suit you well."

Embarrassed, Remus pawed at his eyes, but the tears kept flowing. "I-I'm sorry."

Sirius sighed before approaching to kneel. "James and Lily would be upset if they saw you crying, you do know that, right?"

He froze instantly, forcing his eyes closed to will back any more threatening tears. When he was sure none would fall, he opened his eyes and wiped away any traces. He refused to let himself cry again--those at fault don't get to cry.

And he thought that he was very much at fault.


	9. Wrath

**Prompt:** 032 - Wrath  
**Word Count:** 333

Everything was red. His hands, her face, the board with the next Potions assignment--

It was the first time he could ever recall seeing red with the wolf boiling under the surface like this.

_He was pissed. _

"Moony?" James's voice was quiet and hesitant, afraid almost. "Is something wrong?" He was about to wave a hand in his face when Lily quickly reacted and drew his hand back quickly, her head shaking.

"Where is he?"

Everybody was taken back, and Lily hesitantly answered. "Dumbledore's office, Remus you--"

"Let him know that if I ever see his pretty little face again, I'll rip it off and make a new seat out of it."

"That's going to be a bit difficult seeing as how I don't _have _a pretty face."

Heads whipped to find Sirius standing in the doorway. He was staring intently at Remus, who was glaring back furiously.

"So, Moony, I hear you're mad at me."

Remus actually sneered at him. "Who would've thought, huh?"

"Tell you what--free shot, right here." Sirius pointed to his chin.

The werewolf narrowed his eyes. "I don't need a free shot from you," he spat.

Lily looked back and forth between the two and frowned. "What exactly happened to make you so angry, Remus? What did Sirius do that was so wrong?"

Remus laughed--but it was dark and hollow. "Oh, wouldn't you like to know? Why don't you tell her the lovely little tale, _Black?_ I'm sure she would love to hear how darling and innocent you were when you decided to use me in some lame joke to get even with Severus." With that, he stomped towards the doorway to leave.

Sirius made to block his path, but with the wolf boiling right below his skin, Remus merely grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and threw him into the classroom. Glancing back at the surprised looks on the people's faces, he snorted and stomped off with people scattering in all directions.


	10. Infected

**Prompt:** 126 - Infected  
**Word Count:** 209

"You've got it all wrong!" Peter scrambled away from Remus, eyes wide with terror. "I never wanted to--"

"If you didn't, you wouldn't have _ran. _But you did, and you know what? That tells me you're guilty." Remus growled. "You know, if you hadn't, Sirius's name would've been cleared, he wouldn't have been caged in his own home, and he would still be alive!" He whipped out his wand, sparks shooting out at the end. "He would be _alive_! Harry would have a parent! You took that away!"

Peter's eyes went wild. He stared at the wand for a moment before he spoke again. "I-I'm sorry, Moony!"

"Don't call me Moon--" Remus froze when a wave of pain seared through his arm. He cried out, stumbling back and dropping his wand, and fell to the ground. He clenched his arm, but jerked his hand back when he felt something warm and wet.

_Blood._

He looked up to see Peter shaking. "I-I'm sorry...R-remus." He grounded out his name before taking off, leaving behind Remus.

Remus watched something silver glint as the rat sprinted away. Slowly, he looked down to his arm and cringed.

It was red, raw, bloody, and tainted--

--by someone he used to call 'friend'.


	11. Angels

**Prompt:** 056 - Angels  
**Word Count:** 230

"Are you sure about this, Remus?"

He pulled the threadbare jacket over his shoulders and flicked his fingers over the buttons to snap them. "It's not really that I'm sure, it's more like a duty. I have to do this."

Tonks watched from the doorway with saddened eyes. "Do you want me to go with you? For support?"

He frowned and grunted as he sat down to pull on a pair of tattered brown socks. "This is something I have to do alone. Maybe in the future you can join me--Harry, too--but for now, I have to go solo."

She bent over and retrieved his shoes before approaching to place them in his reach. "Did you get the flowers?"

He took his shoes and began to slip them on. "Yes, for both of them." He laughed softly. "You know, if James were here, he would've smacked me with the bouquet and called me a girl."

Tonks smiled and rubbed his shoulders gently. "He is anyway, you know that."

He 'hmmed' before he rose to his feet, joints popping. "Well, I'm off."

"When will you be back?"

"Tomorrow night is the latest." He paused. "Tonight could possibly be the earliest, although--"

"Don't rush yourself." She hugged him. "Just be careful."

He ran a hand in a soothing circle on her back before he grabbed the flowers and left.


	12. Soulless

**Prompt:** 073 - Soulless  
**Word Count:** 245

He could remember it all too well. Opening the door, seeing McGonagall's face for the first time in years-- she looked worn, exhausted, and almost guilty.

The look on her face spelled trouble, something he really didn't want to hear.

"I'm sorry, Remus. James, Lily, and Peter, they," She looked away before snapping her attention back to him. "They are dead."

He could feel his heart stop in his chest.

"Sirius Black is in Azkaban."

His blood was turning into ice and was tearing him apart just a little bit at a time.

His world had crashed down around him in mere seconds. James, Lily, Peter--all dead. Sirius--at Azkaban. It had to be a mistake, or some kind of sick joke.

"But what about--" He bit his tongue before plowing on. "What about Harry?"

"He's safe; he survived _his _attack." She frowned. "He's with the Dursley's, Lily's sister's family." She looked at him and seemed to become sadder even more. "I'm so sorry, Remus. I'd stay with you, but I have to go. Please--take care of yourself." She gave a single nod to him before she turned and walked away.

Remus gently relaxed his grip on the handle, letting the door slide shut on its own accord. He numbly staggered to an empty chair, feeling his chest aching.

His friends, his _family_, they were all gone.

There was no reason for him to take care of himself.

It was all gone.


End file.
